


--to hate my bleeding heart--

by AAAStarboyAAA



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Hide-centric, M/M, a brutally honest confession of why hide went to the sewers, and he has more hyperempathy than steven fucking universe, and i think Ishida deserves to feel all the pain he's caused my man, and maybe kaneki and hide just aren't that good for each other, at least not here, because this is what comes out, fics that show this hide kinnie is really going thru it, for the record it's tagged with the chose not to use archive warnings bc like, fucking obliterated me jkjkjk unless, haha what if you, he got so cheated in :re, he lives in the end like in canon but he's not all too happy about it, i need to stop putting ricky montgomery and mother mother on the same playlist, i swear hide's not evil he just feels really really guilty, it's just a monologue but it's pretty fucked up, proceed with caution unless you want your heart broken, to be frank he is romanticizing being eaten because how else do you cope, tucks hair behind ear, vent fic, well hide does
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-12
Updated: 2021-02-12
Packaged: 2021-03-12 01:08:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,521
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29376882
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AAAStarboyAAA/pseuds/AAAStarboyAAA
Summary: Hide is straight up not having a good time rn
Relationships: Kaneki Ken | Sasaki Haise/Nagachika Hideyoshi
Kudos: 10





	--to hate my bleeding heart--

**Author's Note:**

> I, uh, apologize for this, I literally sat down to write with the intention of writing a *happy* chapter of the exchange of a smile and **somehow this came out** to be fair it's just five pages of words they're just in a slightly disturbing order

I asked you to eat it when the world grew dark, and you responded with a kiss, but it was not what I wanted.

I hate that it's what I crave and I haven't been my own person since you cried into my arms, that I'd be better off inside your stomach than above the ground

But I failed to save you and I failed to be the dirt for you to grow in, so I'm here to do you good now, pretending like it'll fix a single thing

It's here in my chest and I think there's something wrong with it, I was born with the love for the both of us and it's too heavy to carry on my own

You need a home and I need to be one but I'm too late so why don't we burn down in the snow?

You broke and you're white and I'm all the color I could plaster onto my body, to hide the wound in my chest because I'm bleeding onto the ground when you're the one that's hurt

And I want to heal the sound of it beating when it could be your salvation, it's doing me no good when I'd die to be selfish but I'll die for you instead

Hate is too strong a word, I'd never use it except on myself

And I could never hate, even if you brought the whole world down, so the daggers fell inward on me

I collect the pain of others and that's my power of healing, to carry a heavier and heavier weight

It's a song of grief when I cannot ignore any cry, when I own no self and my smile comes from being needed, you need my smile and you need my heart so I beg you to take them before you die

Take them away from me

You're the one who devours, you're my leech and I love you and I'll let you use me as your sustenance- oh, Kaneki, would I wish that you were evil, that you'd want to do this but no, I know better and that's the worst thing about it

Because I can feel the anguish of an ant crushed beneath my foot but god forbid you ever see me cry

I feel it every time you hurt even when you're not around

There's something wrong and it's me and no, it's not you, I tried to make you happy and I threw you into agony instead!

So this is how I make it up to you like the day you failed a test and I cried

I'm the food on your plate, you're not supposed to see the blood, I'll lie, I'm not in pain

**_it's what I do, Kaneki, I lie_ **

And I'm fine as long as you're happy

But you've lost the way so I'll give you the next best thing

And maybe you won't survive and that's ok

As long as you know I care

It's a bit too lonely in my skin, to be human is far too hard, I know it's terrible to say it

I know there's no way to be happy, with a heart six miles around me someone else will always be sad

And you can hold my hand or you'll die and I know, I know you need me and I wish I didn't have to feel the depth of your pain

Please, god, I don't want to forgive you but I'm the one who asked

Pretending there wasn't any other way out. No, I just didn't want there to be

When a thousand bodies littered the snow above our heads

And I brought myself here instead

Because my sweetness will do me no good without someone to eat me

I exist to please and I exist to be the sun but please god someone burn me out, or what am I here for?

I am a binary sun and I accept that I'll crash into you because it's better than being alone among so many beautiful stars

I'm a happy song and I'll die if I'm not played, so please play me until my voice goes out

I need to be yours and I need to be gone and I need to know someone cares about you, because the world sure doesn't

And you'll never hear love from another one's lips and I know I'm the one you need and the one you can't but want

Am I jealous that you have a reason to hurt, am I jealous that you're a monster in the world's eyes where no one wants you to hold them and you have no obligation to be perfect because you're already so far gone?

No, I say, how could I but I am

And am I secretly happy, that I get to do this, that it ends with my body washed away in a dirty sewer with all my goodness taken away

?

I don't have enough scars, I need to match you

Because my pain isn't real, it's just yours repackaged and I'll never let you know because you'd just feel worse and I'm so  _ sick _

And  _ tired  _ of you being hurt

My heart is bleeding out at your feet and the blood comes from your wound

My smile is weak and I'll lose the last one for yours while you tear me apart

Please do

I'll finally get to tuck you into bed and get some rest for myself

Because my jaw hurts from smiling and my heart hurts from loving and I'm so fucking tired but I'll never sleep till you rip it out my chest

We're not good for each other, but we perfectly match

In dysfunction in death, in the terrible way we share the final piece of a puzzle

Only one of us can be full so I'll press it into your hand, look up and smile 

This isn't right and I wish the song would stop playing in my head telling me it's so pretty to die this way, but I gotta be someone's meaning because maybe then it'll be mine

And if you cry that's good

If you resent me you're right but I know you never will just the same as I know you're saying in your head for me, no I can't and I don't want to but I wish I could

I hope there's nothing left of me to send to heaven and I wish I could follow you to hell

So eat my heart before I can start wanting to take your bullets down there as well

...I wish you didn't need to remember me

I hope it doesn't make you guilty, I hope it doesn't hurt for you

But I hope it hurts for me like every minute of torture I didn't save you from

I want to help you, I say, but I don't, I  _ need _ to

Or I'm no longer a saint

I  _ want  _ my heart gone from my chest and a good excuse to let myself leave you

It's so much easier to be yours and it's so easy to be hurt, and it's so hard to know we're two foolish kids killing each other for love

Home is not a place, it's a feeling, and it's that twist in your chest where you can't tell apart need and pain and feeling that's too strong to be anything but everything. And I'm calling you home, dinner's ready

It's grim and it doesn't look pretty but I brought a lantern

Put me out and be comforted, I won't rest until you're sound asleep on my corpse, with I draped in the ecstacy of sacrifice

I think I read too much Shakespeare, I'm a good english major

And it's overrated but it makes my heart swell when I get to be a savior and I get to give it up for you

I hate the heart that makes it so, because the world would be fine if you didn't need me, I hate the heart that could do not more than hurt

So here's my final request, that you give me no mercy when I tell you I love you

Let me warm your insides, let me be exactly what you need, let me fill you up and fulfill a purpose and fall holding your hand so hard my nails leave marks

I'll die in spite, I'm so bright

And it'll be alright, I lie, when I pull the light out over our heads

This isn't what you need right now, it's what I want and I'm sorry for those red flowers all around us, they were always going to bloom. Just let them go and if we close our eyes we can pretend they're white

But no, I wake, and I must stand with all the weight of my heart again

Because god forbid you lived, so as well must I, and you'll go on to need something more

So I'll be here, covering the wound that won't heal

Perpetually bleeding out for you until you turn the world to dust


End file.
